Hey...Recovery...why do I not like you sometimes?

Dear Recovery,

Why is it sometimes that I don't like you?  You are only there to help me feel better and be the best me possible.  You don't abandon me...you are who you are and what you are all of the time...your 12 steps are sturdy, true and unfailing as long as I am working you.  Even when I don't work you...you are still you.  I am stronger, wiser, more clear headed for having followed you.  So why do I not like you sometimes? 

Signed, the Recoverer...

Dear Recoverer:

You are becoming a version of yourself that you do not recognize.  Perhaps you have spent years being told that you are none of the things you now see in the mirror, and you are a bit skeptical.  Maybe at first you don't feel comfortable in this new skin, but I must tell  you that as you follow me day by day, moment by moment and keep on doing what you are doing, eventually  it won't feel so foreign. 

signed, Recovery

RECOVERER:  So, when I step out on my own to do something that I feel is right because of the strong urge from my higher power, and all of the fibers of my being (or at least a lot of those fibers) are telling me, "CRAWL BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK, ROLL OVER, AND PLAY DEAD"  I should keep walking toward you and away from those old demons?  Because the demons are sent to me via the disease? 

RECOVERY:  Now you are getting it Recoverer.  Have faith that your higher power is guiding you along the path that is intended for you.  Keep listening, keep asking, keep surrounding yourself with friends from the program and family and positive things, keep reading, and reading and reading, and writing.  When you take steps toward me, you are on the very path that your HP has carved out for you.  There will be bumps, and sometimes you will feel awkward or uncomfortable, but you are doing what you should when you listen to your HP.  You have never acted in these healthy ways, and your fibers are not used to this...but have faith in the program, the 12 steps, the partners, the friends, the family in the rooms, and in yourself.  This new way of thinking is a right way, and you have to live on trust and start to fake it until you make it. 

RECOVERER:  Well, then, today I turn my will and my life over to you again HP, I cannot do this on my own, things have become unmanageable once again, and I need you to guide my words and my steps and my thoughts, remove these awkward feelings from me, these guilty feelings, this icky, sad, anxious, doubt-ridden fearfulness that consumes me...take it from me and please replace it with your loving kindness, your confidence, your strength, your love and support.  I trust you first and always.  Please disable my "forgetter" and help me remember many times throughout each day that I am on the right path as long as I am travelling with you.  In your name, I pray...Amen!!!

RECOVERY:  You got it Recoverer!!!  Now say it with me...."God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen...Keep coming back, it works if you work it!!!"

Friends in the program

I have never had relationships like I do with women in the program.  Well, actually men too...but I would prefer to focus on my relationships with the women.  I trust no one.  I take risks with people and relationships.  I get involved with people in a deep way very very quickly.  I always felt as though I bound into peoples lives.  I head right to the core of groups, associations, places of worship, places of employment and people themselves.  I believe it was all in an effort to break out of my old habits of isolation.  However it was a different part of my disease...when I was attempting to be the puppet master, and all my little marionettes would dance happily in the scenes I was constructing and creating.  The insanity did not stop when I entered the rooms...I wonder sometimes if the insanity will ever cease.  However, I have learned that the people in the rooms, while we want to believe they ALL follow the rules and they ALL are safe, honest and abide by the code of alanon...I have figured out that as time goes on and we walk our own journeys that our friends will emerge to walk along on our journey.  Only time will tell which ones are there for a season and which ones are lifers.  I have found some women that I am so unbelievably and indescribably thankful for.  Women whom I can say outright..."hey, I have no clue how to have girlfriends so please help me because I love you and don't want to lose the wonderful gift of our relationship".  I have had good responses so far, although it was like navigating a thicket sometimes, it has been worth the risk.  I know that there are moments still when the path starts getting tricky, and I am learning that it may always be that way...it does get easier and easier all the time.  I don't have to keep every single friend as my bosom buddy, I accept that those people who come and go are there for a season and a reason, and letting them go is okay.  Guess what people...the world continues to spin with or without those folks.  Weird, right?  Well, for me it is weird.  I am learning about choices, choosing, honesty, and how not much of what goes on constitutes "the end of the world as we know it"...(a little R.E.M. for those of you who appreciate 80's music)

So friends, I leave you with this thought...if I can choose to accept the things I listed above...can you imagine how many other things I may choose while on my road to recovery?  I love this road! 

Blessings and peace....Asalamalakum, which I just learned translates as "Peace be upon you"

Thanksgiving

This morning I am giving thanks for finding my way to Al Anon.  I am so very happy to have found a community of ACOA's to walk along side on my journey to recovery.  With each passing day, when I fail to "work" my program...and I sit lazily trying to give in to the disease I have new thoughts that occupy my mind.  I have sayings, prayers, principles, thoughts of my alanon friends and family, a phone message, an email and things that tell me I am exactly where I need to be.  In my heart, I can actually feel the warmth of the love that comes from the higher power in my life.  My higher power, as I have said many times, is not just the God of my understanding, but acceptance of love people are attempting to give me so freely and appropriately and unconditionally. 

Today, I will not be afraid because I am not alone.  Today I will read, journal, pray and ask for help to turn over my will and my life yet again to a God who loves me.  Be at peace friends.  Know that you are not alone.  I am so happy to know these things and am very much hoping to share with you.

Today was my first face to face meeting in over six months and wow did it feel good to be back. I rely heavily on online meetings as where I live in Asia doesn't have any face to face meetings.
I have to say that I am so grateful for my program, for the chance to connect to other human beings who have felt my pain and who are examples of great recovery. For the chance to hear just one share that can change everything. I realized today after hearing a share that I "disown" my inner child every time she feels something. This happened to me as a child a lot. I felt something and was shouted down, ignored, punished, laughed at or abused. It is sad to see that I now do this with my inner child. I am the only adult she has now and todays meeting and talking with a very special alanon friend across the seas has made me realize that its time to start working on my inner child issues. I am asking my HP for help with this.
Love
xxx

Ahhh...step 4....so we meet again...

So...Step 4...how have you been?  Of all of the steps, you my friend, are the Mount Everest of them all.  Well, for me, that is.  I have been avoiding step 4 since the first time I attempted to walk the steps.  I remained at base camp waiting for my Sherpa (a.k.a. my sponsor) to not only help me up the mountain...but to carry me up.  As it turns out I have to work my own program.  My sponsor can't do it for me.  The great news is I don't have to do it alone.  I have read a bit about people who have climbed or attempted to climb Mount Everest.  They cannot do it alone.  They must have someone with them for safety reasons.  Someone who knows the mountain, the path to and from the Summit.  They need someone who knows it and has been there and done that.  So much can be taken from this thought process.  My sponsor does know the ways...she has been there and back a few times.  We are all on this journey together.  Some of us will arrive before others, and then we realize...it is not a race to get there before or after anyone.  You are in a race against yourself, your past, your childhood, your issues, etc.  If you veer off the path in an attempt to take a 'short cut', sometimes you will find this causes your progress to be hindered.  Slow and steady wins the race. 

Today I am hopeful.  I am thankful for my Alanon friends and family.  I am thankful for my sponsor.  I am thankful for a husband that loves me.  I am really thankful that as of yesterday I realized that my husband is a lucky man because I am pretty darn special.  Yesterday I figured this out...what took so long?  It does not matter.  What matters is that I am really starting to see that I am a valuable and loving person with a beautiful heart and spirit.  Normally, this is the place I would insert some sarcastic dig at myself, but this time I am not going to do that.  I feel a sense of progress, and I realize that perfection is not a reasonable goal for me to keep striving toward.

As I clean house, and remove the clutter that is my past, issues, hurts and old wounds, an enormous amount of storage space is freed up for my artistic expression.  Love and security are slowly replacing the doubt, fear and anger.  It makes for a much nicer interior...colors are brighter and this morning I can actually feel a very happy warm feeling in my heart. 

Thank you program and people for being...just for being here.

May the road rise up to meet  you...have a great day.

THE PROGRAM WORKS!!!

At the end of some of the meetings I attend, they say "Keep coming back, it works if you work it".  During one meeting I heard a share where the person says "it works even if you don't work it".  I struggled with that for a long time, because I didn't believe that sent the right message.  So I took what I liked and tried to leave that statement behind.  However, I will say that many months down the road now, when I find myself being resistant to work the program, my higher power is working on me through my Al-Anon friends.  I am fortunate enough to have reached a place in my journey where I have experienced enough growth that my old habits and self-preservation mechanisms are not working...they don't fit anymore.  I keep trying to squeeze into them...laying across the bed, holding my breath and trying to make it work...and my new progress is overflowing in such a good way.  My old habits were like that comfortable pair of jeans...the old faithful pair that you rely on.  Well...mine just don't fit.  I keep struggling to make them fit, but I realize that I have to accept that there are new tools and new ways to cope and deal.  It is time to face the things that inhibit me from further growth.  Excuses, expectations, and denial...how about today...just for today, I will ask my HP what is in store, I will do my best to listen.  I am powerless over my expectations, so I ask my HP to remove them from me.

In the rooms, the faces may change, but the program remains the same.  It is the organization and the program that are there time and time again.  The program and the guidelines are the outward symbol of the unmeasurable love that my HP has for me, and that I aspire to have myself.

Here again is my third step prayer: 

Today God, open my heart  to see what you see,

Take the thoughts of my mind that clutter the pathway to recovery and remove them from me.

Take my will and my life and make them yours today, moment by moment, step by step.

I am willing, I have made the decision.

Amen

Working the program when you don't want to

It has been a dark several days for me.  I have been down...frighteningly down.  I have felt myself slipping into that isolation that we all experience.  I have felt anxious and sad, just so down and out.  I have been going through the motions...my outside shell doing the bare minimum to try to meet the obligations of my role as mother, step-mother, wife, friend, employee, manager, daughter.  I have been painting, playing games on the computer, drawing, watching mindless TV and just plain trying to avoid the frightening prospect of facing step 4.  The isolation has taken on a new form...it used to be that I would retreat to my room, dive under the covers, watch old movies and sleep.  Now the isolation is my walking through life around people, wearing the mask of yesteryear and trying to just 'get through' the day.  My excuses are I am tired, I have a headache, I don't feel well, didn't get much sleep, etc...as I walk emptily through each moment.  I have been stuffing my emotions with food, alcohol and inner dialogue of how I will just never measure up and I am ugly and fat and a terrible example to my children...none of these old "solutions" is working for me now.

It is a very good thing that I have Al-Anon.  I have new friends, and a new family given to me by the gift of this program.  I do not want to work my program, but now that I have knit myself into this community, it makes it harder to just quit.  I don't want to quit.  I want to realize that I am going to have times in the valley...that is what makes the view from the mountaintops so breathtaking.  By working this program, we do not hope to be cured...well...maybe in the beginning we hoped for that...but once you start to journey along the steps...you realize that this program is here for us to fall back on when we reach these moments in time.  The love of the program is waiting for us always...it is a reminder that there is a power greater than ourselves that is closer than our own breath...if we just admit we are powerless and cannot do "this" (whatever this is for you) alone.  We don't have to do it alone...thanks be to Al-Anon.

May the road rise to meet you...Peace friends...please share your ESH with me today...I need it.

Just for today

I have a bookmark titled "JUST FOR TODAY", and one of the paragraphs on this book mark reads as follows:

"Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.  I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."  There are many other sayings on that book mark, but just for today I will focus on that one part.

At a meeting recently, I was asked to do the reading "Information for the newcomer".  I got to the part where it says "your job is to be here...that is all, just be here" and I got choked up.  It was overwhelming the thought that all anyone needed of me was to 'just be there' or that being there was a job anyone wanted from me.  I love that part of the readings very much. 

Today I ask my higher power to be here, just be here, in my heart and my life.

Good morning heart

Yesterday I was blessed enough to be overcome with the overwhelming urge to paint what I thought a friend's heart looks like in my eyes.  I painted for a while and came up with what I felt was a very nice representation. 

I told another friend about this and she said "I want to know what my heart looks like", so I excitedly rushed off the phone to begin work on another he"art" piece (get it...heart...art...okay, just checking. 

As I was painting, my heart felt so open and full to overflowing.  What a great medium for me to express my own heart. 

This post is another one about service...service that seems to be for someone else, but service to my own heart and taking care of myself.  It is an outward expression of my inward love that has been locked away for so long and now is pouring out through my paintbrushes.  It is also unlocked by this program.  I have completed my step 3 work 'this go round' and am ready to take on Step 4.  I am ready to dust out the cobwebs and face it all.  I am ready to let it go and let God take over my will and my life. 

I was asked what my step 3 prayer was...and I didn't know what to write...so here goes.

Today God (or please enter your HP of choice), open my heart  to see what you see,
take the thoughts of my mind that clutter the pathway to recovery and remove them from me.
Take my will and my life and make them yours today, moment by moment, step by step.
I am willing, I have made the decision.
Amen

peace friends, please take what you like here, comment as you may and leave the rest...

Service

When I first met with my sponsor, she thanked me.  She said she felt very honored that I would ask for her to be my sponsor and that she was so happy to be working with me.  I was baffled by this because I thought I was the one who was supposed to be thanking her because she was the one sacrificing her time and serving me.  I found out that being part of the Alanon program meant that we are all there for one another. 

Today I got up determined to work through step 3 in my book, Path to Recovery.  When I got up, I saw a message from a friend across the seas and over the mountaintops.  I was so happy that I got to chat with my friend.  She blessed me with her honesty about some things going on in her world. I understand how my sponsor was feeling when we began working the steps because when my friend shared things with me I felt very honored.  We were in service of each other.

I know that if I do not work my program, I will be of no help to anyone else, and definitely not myself.  Keeping the focus on myself means working my program one step at a time, one day at a time.  From moment to moment, I try to remember to do the next right thing.

Whatever form your higher power takes, remember that the power can come through a friend...listening or just being there.

Weave us together

When I arrived to a meeting recently, one which I was simply going to blow off because of... (enter any one of 100 reasons here) I found that there were so many familiar faces there.  My sponsor, some of her sponsees, my sponsor's sponsor, and (get ready for this) my sponsor's sponsor's sponsor.  As I looked at all of the faces, my heart felt so full.  I was immediately reminded of a song called "Weave".  It goes a little something like this:
Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together in unity and love.
Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together, together in love.

We are many textures, we are many colours,
Each one different from the other.
But we are entwined in one another in one great tapestry -

Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together in unity and love.
Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together, together in love.

We are different instruments playing our own melodies,
Each one tuning to a different key,
But we are all playing in harmony in one great symphony.

Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together in unity and love.
Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together, together in love.

A moment ago still we did not know
Our unity, only diversity.
Now the Spirit in me greets the Spirit in thee in one great family.

Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together in unity and love.
Weave, weave, weave us together,
Weave us together, together in love.

Have a most wonderful day friend.

My Very Own Third Step Prayer

I keep remembering things my sponsor suggested that I do when we last met. I have been going back through the Steps with her. This time around I feel like my life is really changing. I feel like I am really incorporating the principles of the program into my daily existence - more intensely than before. This time around I feel as if God has told me that I am ready to face the survival mechanisms that I used for survival growing up head on. I really do no longer need them.

One suggestion from my sponsor is that I write my own Third Step Prayer and place it on my mirror or somewhere else that I can see it daily. If you are not familiar - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has it's own beautiful Third Step Prayer as follows:

The Third Step Prayer

from page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

God, I offer myself to Thee-
To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

Can I really compete with THAT? No, I can not. Know why? Because this isn't a competition. My recovery is not in a race. I am not lined up in a "Recovery Bee". I must take myself and my recovery one day at a time without judgment, criticism or "shoulds". I have compared my insides to every one else's outsides for a long time. It is no wonder that my first reaction when given this task was one of insecurity. Be gone, insecurity. My Third Step Prayer is mine to write.

And so I begin. Step Three : Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

My Third Step Prayer

God, come into my life today.

Take my thoughts. Take my actions.

Make me a vessel for your doing.

I give you me to do with what you know is best.

I trust you.

Amen.

Please comment with your own! Thank you so very much for allowing me to share. ~H,J&F

Stuck in Traffic

My higher power is showing me opportunity after opportunity to practice the principles in all my affairs.  Yesterday, try as I might to complete a certain task, I was not able.  I was powerless.  This morning as I rose to meet the day, I had to take a journey two hours away and two hours back to accomplish that task.  I was driving out of my neighborhood and found that the CD I thought I would be listening to on my trip would not work..."error" "error" the digital display flashed.  I actually said out loud "okay God, what would you like to talk about?"  My mind began to get busy with other details of the day, and I said (in my head this time) "please help me focus".  There came a feeling pressing on my heart that I should fast and pray.  "Fast and Pray?  Uh...I do not miss meals...and my belief system is not one that typically involves fasting.  There it was again "Fast...just try it, and trust me".  I got to the station to gas up my car, and as I often do...I asked one more time..."Are you sure, God? Am I hearing you right or is this some foolishness I am making up"  God smiled.  "Go inside, get some vitamin water and trust me".

As I drove down the busy highway surrounding the city right in the middle of rush hour I smiled.  I smiled because I realized that I was powerless in that moment, and  no matter the outcome of the day...it would be the outcome of the day.  If I was not able to reach my destination by the deadline, well...I would not be able to reach that destination whether I had an anxiety attack or not.  I could get mad, curse, yell at people through the glass windshield, let my heart beat out of control, stress out, and somehow none of those things would allow me to reach my destination any faster.  The traffic CRAWLED around the city, and I thought...woohoo...here we go...I am hauling now.

I approached my exit and what do you know...STOPPED.  Traffic was completely stopped at my one little stinking exit.  I smiled again...and I did not stress out.  I sat there and felt peaceful.  God entered my heart again and said "sometimes you are in a hurry to reach your destination, but no matter how hard you try to get there in the timing that YOU expect...you are unable to meet your own expectation.  Then I saw a sign that said "wrong way", and "Construction ahead" and I smiled again.  What in the world was wrong with me today...smiling in the midst of all this struggle to get somewhere.  Then I realized that God had been using all of this time to help me to focus on him and my current reservations about working my program. 

I have been in a hot hurry to achieve the goal of my 12 steps.  Treating it as a "to-do" list as though I would take a quick jaunt through this once and be done...wrong.  I saw a car change lanes into the lane that had all the pavement stripped away, trying to get around things as fast as possible, and then try to turn down another road when it hit me...I have been trying to go around, change the subject, make excuses, avoid everything that I need to do for my own mental health and wellbeing, and progress.  I don't have to be perfect, but I can progress. 

I stayed the course and went through the construction zone this morning, and found my trip was only delayed by 15 minutes by staying in my lane and waiting my turn to go through.  I felt a pressing on my heart to go through my own issues from long ago. 

A very wise friend in a meeting recently said "you don't look in the rear view mirror when you are driving down the road, why should you do this in your life" and that hit home with me so much.  I am driving down the road, looking out the rearview...time to get my eyes back on my road to recovery, stop trying to steer around the construction and face it head on.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  amen 

Practice the Program or Practice the Disease...

I am being resistant to my program.  I am loathing myself.  I am not trusting my new alanon friends.  I am afraid. The only thing I ever knew was to have other people give me self esteem...build me up...tell me I am worthy.  Now I am finding myself alone with myself a lot and looking disapprovingly at the bag that contains my bones.  As I was sitting, fidgeting and shaking in this evening's Alanon meeting for ACOA's I was thinking mean hateful things about myself...hating my appearance and actually terrified that my appearance might be offending those around me.  I have healthy people who are really working their programs and have great recovery telling me...no not telling me....SHOWING me that recovery is possible. 

So, to my Higher Power...I put myself in your loving hands, I admit that I am powerless over the wounds that are weighing me down both physically and mentally, I believe you can take control of this situation, you can help me love me inside and out, and you can call out the demons that I keep lifting up and proclaiming to the world that they should feel sorry for me...poor me.  No more self pity...recovery...practice the program not the disease!

Friends thank you for your support and love...thank you that when you ask me "How are you doing?" it is okay for me to tell you the honest truth that things are sucky...and you don't pity me...you encourage me.  Bless you!!!!

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Met With My Sponsor

I met with my sponsor for breakfast this morning. Boy, if there isn't a God sent right through that woman, then I have no idea where to find one. The simplicity of her words. The clarity of her thoughts. The resolve to be healthy. Her open, loving heart wanting to help me each time I ask. I think of my relationship with my sponsor not unlike my relationship with my HP. I have to grow it. I have to nurture it. I have to trust, believe and respect it. I have to be willing to do things differently because I have to be willing to give up my own worse enemy - SELF. My SELF that thinks that I can handle all of this without any help. Isn't help just so darn embarrassing sometimes?
However, she loves me. Warts and all. She tells me so every time we talk on the phone or meet. I doubted those words at first. Really? She didn't even know me. If she did - She would surely think me childish and petty. She would surely see through all of my bravado and dislike the scared little girl I can be. Isn't this how I used to see my Higher Power? Not good enough for the attention? Not worthy of the help?
Al-Anon has helped me to open my eyes to TRUTH. I can tell myself lies upon lies in order to remain, in my mind, safe for the moment. I can crawl into that shell and want to just stay. The truth comes when I pick up the phone. It comes when I pray and I meditate.
The truth is I am lovable and worthwhile. Just ask my sponsor. Just ask God.
Sending big hugs of love and acceptance to all. Have wonderful day, my friends.

How I found alanon

Ablid USA and I have decided to start writing about our  recovery. This is exciting! For me it will be an attempt to solidify any growth that has and may continue to come about. I also hope to offer some service by the way of my writing to others who have lived with the disease of alcoholism.

What happened those years ago that brought me to Al-Anon?

Well...how I was actually brought to my first al-anon meeting was in a tuk tuk coursing through the grimy streets of Chiang Mai, Thailand. Of course I didn't actually need to go to a meeting because I wasn't the alcoholic- my dad was (and still is). So why was I breaking into a sweat and attempting to jump out of the tuk tuk every time we stopped in traffic if I was totally fine and not in need of an al-anon meeting? I was in desperate need of help.

What brought me there... another holiday ruined by the demons that had followed me from my dysfunctional childhood home to a posh hotel room 28 years later. Those lil babies managed to check in to my room with me, go to the bar with me every night, shop at the markets with me and even shower with me. Yes. My unseen, all pervasive demons were yet again getting a holiday in an exotic destination and I was footing the bill...

My demons are multiple and endless, vicious and insidious. My demons smell of Guinness and reek of loss. My demons carry the broken furniture from my family home around in their pockets and poke me with it every now and then. My demons tell me that I am not good enough when my husband puts his arms around me. My demons tell me not to write this because it won't be good enough.

Enough about the demons already! (See what they did there? Took up a whole damn paragraph).
This is a blog about recovery. I was at breaking point in that hotel room. I was damaged, frightened, riddled with anxiety and depression and teetering on the edge of reason. Now here's the catch. no one else knew- or so I thought. I presented as a strong, fearless and together woman. I fixed things that needed fixing. I had the house, husband, car, job, friends and nice clothes that painted a pretty picture. I was however burning up on the inside. That night I had hit emotional rock bottom. In classic co-dependent, adult child of alcoholic fashion I was searching on line for a way to fix my younger sister who was depressed at the time. I came across a website about codependency and there was a checklist. I started to do the checklist for my sister and lo and behold she ticked ALL of the boxes. Through my tears I stared at that screen and relief flooded every one of my cells as I realized that I had saved her!!! I had saved her and...hang on...shit- I checked every box as well. Ouch. Ok...so I needed Alanon. Boo!

After a little more searching online I ended up on the al-anon homepage and started to read about myself...turns out those demons in the bed next to me at the fancy hotel were not unique to me at all. Turns out that I had a generic set of demons that seem to follow people around who suffer from the family disease of alcoholism.

I found a meeting. I got way too dressed up (think knee high boots, lip gloss galore, big hair ala dolly parton) and hailed a tuk tuk taxi. I was terrified.

I felt like I was going to my own funeral. In some ways I actually was. My old self who was living with this awful illness alone was about to be put to rest. I was about to be born into recovery. The first step was step one. Sounded easy:

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

My previous post was on how rewarding that step was and still is how absolutely wrong I was on the "easy" part.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

A

P.S- it gets better. The demons are cleaning my kitchen right now. Seriously.

Gratitude for step one and a great friend.

This is my first post here and I am in such gratitude for the woman across the mountain tops that made this happen. From across the seas my day was the similar to my friend Ablids in the USA and I would like to share something I wrote a few months back so I can reread it again and make some sense of my day yesterday. Please share your own experience in the comments section. Anyone affected by the disease of alcoholism or even dysfunction growing up or in your present life is welcome to join us here!

Step One: 

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." 

Powerlessness: a rather loaded word for me. Growing up in my home my role was and sometimes still is to "fix". In my child's mind if I acted out, played around, joked, danced, sang, screamed shouted- whatever, I was distracting us all from the painful reality of our household. I was distracting us from the rage, the showdowns and the catastrophic evils that seemed to sweep us up without a moments notice.

My first ever memory is being two- my mom holding my hand and shouting at my father "look at what you are doing to her!" My dad was drunk and I was screaming and crying. It was 2 a.m and apparently I was a pretty powerful weapon- could I get my dad to sober up? Could that little girl begging without words for everything to be better get him to change? No. He was and still is crippled by a disease. The same way if he had had cancer I couldnt have begged that away, nor could I beg his alcoholism away. 

Did I try? Absolutely. Do I still? Some days more than others but I'm working on it. Step one has meant that I need to learn to mind my own business. I grew up having to be right all the time so I could control the uncontrollable. I grew up needing to know everything at once and feeling a general "have to" feeling.

I forgive myself for this flaw- which was once a survival tool that I am grateful for.

Step one challenged me because I felt that it meant I was giving up- the alanon sayig of "we are powerless over people, places and things" did not sit well with me. I equated powerless with weakness and defeat. I also felt as if I was betraying my father and my whole family by "giving up" by admitting powerlessness. as I grew into this step I had to work hard. I had to give up 28 years of acting like God and just be a humble human with limitations.

When my dad drank my mother controlled. Living with a very ill man she became very ill herself. Living with both of them as examples I became very ill also. My whole family did- they don't call it a family disease for nothing! When I first started alanon I could not fathom how my brothers and sisters would survive without it. I pushed my program on them as a form of controlling alcoholism- I should have minded my own business with this but I didn't. That's OK... I was just starting out and probably always will be.

I have gained so much relief and sanity from the notion of powerlessness. Awareness of my powerlessness over this disease and the symptoms which manifest from the disease is supreme to my recovery. I feel so grateful to step one. I feel grateful that I have been given a chance to start out again.

Powerlessness has been the most empowering thing that has happened to me. I have had to work hard and develop and not without growing pains but it has truly enabled me to start to grow towards step two and a saner place.

Who or what is your Higher Power today...in this moment?

What a roller coaster ride today.  I allowed anger, resentment, confusion and pain to be my higher power today.  I can't beat up on myself about that...there are some core issues that bubbled to the surface, and it is what it is. 

On a brighter note, my higher power became the love and support of one of my dearest loving alanon sisters here in my home town.  Thank you sister!

Keep coming back...it works if you work it.  My thought for today is dedicated to my higher power...be with me and comfort me...and thank you for never abandoning me.

Good evening friend

Today was a most wonderful day...I was able to do pretty much nothing.  I have not done my reading for today, but I did read from Path to Recovery on Step 3.  Although this evening...I found myself going back to step 1 very abruptly as I watched my smart phone fly out of my hands and into the loo...as it sits in a bowl of rice at this hour I can only hope that it will work tomorrow...but today...I am powerless over the fact that I should not have been so attached to my phone today...and especially not as I went into the restroom.  My Higher Power has a sense of humor alright...and now I will be able to better focus on my sweet girls and our girls night.  We are watching movies and painting.  Praise my HP for having my phone take a swim in the CLEAN waters of the loo.

One day at a time friends...have a most wonderful and relaxing night.

Good Morning Friend

A brief introduction...two members of Alanon worlds apart in miles and cultures, but similar in heart and soul.  We have come together to blog about our journey in Alanon.  Come along with us won't you?  Remember to take what you like and leave the rest.

Today, however beautiful or desolate, it's the perfect day to start.  I quiet myself and think of one of my favorite parts of the readings in an alanon meeting "your job is to be here...that is all....just be here".  Let the words wash over you and settle you right now in this moment.  Let's begin our journey together wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you believe...believe in you and just be here. 

We are so worth it. 

When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of alanon and alateen always be there and let it begin with me.