It has been a dark several days for me. I have been down...frighteningly down. I have felt myself slipping into that isolation that we all experience. I have felt anxious and sad, just so down and out. I have been going through the motions...my outside shell doing the bare minimum to try to meet the obligations of my role as mother, step-mother, wife, friend, employee, manager, daughter. I have been painting, playing games on the computer, drawing, watching mindless TV and just plain trying to avoid the frightening prospect of facing step 4. The isolation has taken on a new form...it used to be that I would retreat to my room, dive under the covers, watch old movies and sleep. Now the isolation is my walking through life around people, wearing the mask of yesteryear and trying to just 'get through' the day. My excuses are I am tired, I have a headache, I don't feel well, didn't get much sleep, etc...as I walk emptily through each moment. I have been stuffing my emotions with food, alcohol and inner dialogue of how I will just never measure up and I am ugly and fat and a terrible example to my children...none of these old "solutions" is working for me now.
It is a very good thing that I have Al-Anon. I have new friends, and a new family given to me by the gift of this program. I do not want to work my program, but now that I have knit myself into this community, it makes it harder to just quit. I don't want to quit. I want to realize that I am going to have times in the valley...that is what makes the view from the mountaintops so breathtaking. By working this program, we do not hope to be cured...well...maybe in the beginning we hoped for that...but once you start to journey along the steps...you realize that this program is here for us to fall back on when we reach these moments in time. The love of the program is waiting for us always...it is a reminder that there is a power greater than ourselves that is closer than our own breath...if we just admit we are powerless and cannot do "this" (whatever this is for you) alone. We don't have to do it alone...thanks be to Al-Anon.
May the road rise to meet you...Peace friends...please share your ESH with me today...I need it.
It is a very good thing that I have Al-Anon. I have new friends, and a new family given to me by the gift of this program. I do not want to work my program, but now that I have knit myself into this community, it makes it harder to just quit. I don't want to quit. I want to realize that I am going to have times in the valley...that is what makes the view from the mountaintops so breathtaking. By working this program, we do not hope to be cured...well...maybe in the beginning we hoped for that...but once you start to journey along the steps...you realize that this program is here for us to fall back on when we reach these moments in time. The love of the program is waiting for us always...it is a reminder that there is a power greater than ourselves that is closer than our own breath...if we just admit we are powerless and cannot do "this" (whatever this is for you) alone. We don't have to do it alone...thanks be to Al-Anon.
May the road rise to meet you...Peace friends...please share your ESH with me today...I need it.
Thank you so much for your share. I, too, have been experiencing a few rather hairy days. I have been doing the "Three Step Shuffle" throughout - but I keep ending up feeling anxious for some reason. This morning, while meditating, I finally was able to hand this stuff on a paper plate (it really wasn't worthy of a silver platter) to God. I think God is completely okay with my paper plate fulls. I told Him that I expected Him to handle this. I afford myself that one expectation.
ReplyDeleteI can't. He can. I am going to let Him.
So, there, God. Tag, You're it. Get back to me when you have an answer. I'll be listening. I'm just done with this suffering. Plus, I seriously doubt You want me to suffer. Thanks. I Love You. You Rule. Bye.