I am being resistant to my program. I am loathing myself. I am not trusting my new alanon friends. I am afraid. The only thing I ever knew was to have other people give me self esteem...build me up...tell me I am worthy. Now I am finding myself alone with myself a lot and looking disapprovingly at the bag that contains my bones. As I was sitting, fidgeting and shaking in this evening's Alanon meeting for ACOA's I was thinking mean hateful things about myself...hating my appearance and actually terrified that my appearance might be offending those around me. I have healthy people who are really working their programs and have great recovery telling me...no not telling me....SHOWING me that recovery is possible.
So, to my Higher Power...I put myself in your loving hands, I admit that I am powerless over the wounds that are weighing me down both physically and mentally, I believe you can take control of this situation, you can help me love me inside and out, and you can call out the demons that I keep lifting up and proclaiming to the world that they should feel sorry for me...poor me. No more self pity...recovery...practice the program not the disease!
Friends thank you for your support and love...thank you that when you ask me "How are you doing?" it is okay for me to tell you the honest truth that things are sucky...and you don't pity me...you encourage me. Bless you!!!!
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
So, to my Higher Power...I put myself in your loving hands, I admit that I am powerless over the wounds that are weighing me down both physically and mentally, I believe you can take control of this situation, you can help me love me inside and out, and you can call out the demons that I keep lifting up and proclaiming to the world that they should feel sorry for me...poor me. No more self pity...recovery...practice the program not the disease!
Friends thank you for your support and love...thank you that when you ask me "How are you doing?" it is okay for me to tell you the honest truth that things are sucky...and you don't pity me...you encourage me. Bless you!!!!
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Beautiful post, Ablid. I think before i can do anything about anything I have to first become aware, then accept. My awareness is sometimes followed by a sense of loathing. Am I really doing this or that? I mean - YUCK. but then I can move on with the help of others in the program to just accept me as I am. In my acceptance God gives me to strength to change.
ReplyDeleteAWESOME POST.
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