So much pain for too long. I made it to my first meeting this past Friday. I was so glad to find the comfort of the rooms there with welcoming smiles, warm hugs, and offerings of encouragement. I have to care about myself. I have to be happy to see me, happy to be with me since I am with me all the time.
I have gone through quite a bit these last three years, and the pain and drama and baggage grew and got heavier and heavier until I had to finally say STOP. I called an end to one of the most important parts of my life next to my relationship with my higher power. I had to say goodbye to my child, a child who I brought into this world, I gave birth to her and 13 years and 24 days later I had to say goodbye. She is alive, but I watched her disappear before my very eyes, in my presence she withdrew and changed and behaved so unpredictably to the point of creating an unsafe environment for me and my family. The door to that relationship with my only-born has closed and is locked until...until I don't know when. I am preparing my heart that the door will be closed permanently, although my hope is that she will return some day.
How does one pick up and move on from something like that? I realized that every place in my life is being pruned and the only thing left for me to do is to take care of me. I am on the pathway to recovery. I am talking to my higher power more, praying for those who have harmed me, asked for forgiveness for my part in the wrong doing. I am seeking out a practitioner who works with individuals one on one to teach them yoga. I can have a better life, and not be absorbed by this trajedy. I have been creating opportunities to be around my family more and allow everyone to show me their love just by being there.
I have had a fear of abandonment my entire life, and when my very own child abandoned me both mentally and emotionally...and now physically...I realize that life can and must move on. I was doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. No more.
Today begins a new day and a new journey. No more insanity, I will walk this pathway one step at a time. Step one: I am powerless over this mess and my life has become unmanageable.
Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity
Step three: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as we understood him.
I am currently doing the cha cha with steps 1-3, but that is okay because it takes as long as it takes.
God, Please take my will and my life and make them yours, please clear the pathy way to serenity making the journey meaningful and possible, ever reminding me that you have 'got this' and do not need me to get int he way. I am willing lord..
C
I have gone through quite a bit these last three years, and the pain and drama and baggage grew and got heavier and heavier until I had to finally say STOP. I called an end to one of the most important parts of my life next to my relationship with my higher power. I had to say goodbye to my child, a child who I brought into this world, I gave birth to her and 13 years and 24 days later I had to say goodbye. She is alive, but I watched her disappear before my very eyes, in my presence she withdrew and changed and behaved so unpredictably to the point of creating an unsafe environment for me and my family. The door to that relationship with my only-born has closed and is locked until...until I don't know when. I am preparing my heart that the door will be closed permanently, although my hope is that she will return some day.
How does one pick up and move on from something like that? I realized that every place in my life is being pruned and the only thing left for me to do is to take care of me. I am on the pathway to recovery. I am talking to my higher power more, praying for those who have harmed me, asked for forgiveness for my part in the wrong doing. I am seeking out a practitioner who works with individuals one on one to teach them yoga. I can have a better life, and not be absorbed by this trajedy. I have been creating opportunities to be around my family more and allow everyone to show me their love just by being there.
I have had a fear of abandonment my entire life, and when my very own child abandoned me both mentally and emotionally...and now physically...I realize that life can and must move on. I was doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. No more.
Today begins a new day and a new journey. No more insanity, I will walk this pathway one step at a time. Step one: I am powerless over this mess and my life has become unmanageable.
Step two: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity
Step three: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as we understood him.
I am currently doing the cha cha with steps 1-3, but that is okay because it takes as long as it takes.
God, Please take my will and my life and make them yours, please clear the pathy way to serenity making the journey meaningful and possible, ever reminding me that you have 'got this' and do not need me to get int he way. I am willing lord..
C
